Freshly Baked

I’ve been getting stoned a lot lately, which is nothing new by itself, but sometimes when I get stoned, I get the munchies something fierce. Like wrap two slices of fucking bread around the fridge and throw some fucking ketchup on that shit kind of fierce. Big, fucking, ground breaking, earth shattering revelation, you say? I know, right? But, seriously, I get fucking hungry as fuck when I’m high. Don’t you? Sometimes, you can just smoke some more weed and then, poof, the munchies go away, but not always. Sometimes, those few extra hits make you think you’re Doctor Fucking Livingstone or Indiana Fucking Jones or some shit like that and you mount an ill-fated expedition into the deepest, darkest reaches of the kitchen, where you spend the next two hours lost in the refrigerator, until some other stoner, who thinks he’s fucking Stanley, finally realizes that you’ve been missing for two hours and sends out a search party to rescue your ass. True story.

Anyway, back to the food. I love to talk about food. I love to eat food too, but I hardly ever eat, not unless I’m stoned. I just don’t get hungry very often. Get me stoned, though and I’ll eat everything in sight. I have no self-control when I'm high. None, whatsoever. I’m supposed to be gluten-free, having Celiac disease and all, but shitballs, what the fuck am I supposed to do when pizza comes around acting all slutty and shit? 

The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. Oh, so very weak. I had pizza yesterday and I’m going to eat it again, tonight. Fuck it. I’ll live it up tonight, pay for it tomorrow and tomorrow’s not here yet, so fuck it, I might as well live it up tonight. That’s circular logic. I like circular logic. It enables and empowers me. Here I come to save the fucking day…

Most of the time…

No, that’s not right.

Some of the time…

No, not that one, either.

Occasionally…

Nope, not gonna’ do it.

Every now and fucking then…

There we go! That one sounds about right.

Every now and fucking then, I try to be good about the things that I put into my body and let me tell you, that’s a lot of shit to keep track of. I’m not as good as I should be, nor do I do it as often as I should, but I do try to eat healthy whenever I can. Shit, sometimes, I’ll even read the label on the food, but usually I’m too stoned to think about that sort of thing.

Hell, I’m stoned, right now and I’m thinking about that sort of thing. I’m so confused.

Big fucking surprise, right?

Most of the time, it’s great to have a few bags of chips, or candy, or chocolate, or popcorn, or bacon, or cardboard, or cat litter (it stays crunchy in milk), or whatthefuckever, handy for when you’re stoned, but sometimes, you just feel the urge to be creative. Channel your inner caveman. Hunt, kill and then eat something. Like your roommate. Just kidding. Don’t shit your pants.

As an example, I like to do most of my baking while I’m baked. This way, I’m baking while I’m baking.  The goods get baked and so do I. I just bake and bake and bake.

Did I mention that I also like to cook with wine?

It does wonders for my attitude.

Speaking of baking, lately I’ve been making parmesan crisps and let me tell you, they’re fucking good. Plus, they’re easy as fuck to make and you only need a few things to do it and the plain, old, basic recipe only calls for one ingredient, parmesan cheese. Listen to me though, don’t make the boring, plain, old, basic recipe with just one ingredient. Play with it a little. Be creative, unlike my sex life.

Let me take you on a journey to a faraway land and we'll go off on a magical food adventure together. It’s like a fantastical stoney tale, where you’ll get to live happily ever after, or at least until your buzz wears off.

I never promised you a rose garden.

Making the parmesan crisps is stoner simple and all that you need to do it are an oven, gas/electricity, a baking sheet, some parchment paper (not wax paper - the cheese sticks to it) and some sort of device to measure time, like, you know, a timer. Oh, and maybe like a glove, or a towel or something to pull the hot baking sheet out of the oven. You just might regret it if you burn the living fuck out of your hand. Safety first. No glove, no love.

Once again, this is a simple recipe and you can use pretty much whatever kind of parmesan cheese that you might have sitting around the house, except for the shit that comes in the green plastic bottle. Don’t use the powdery Kraft shit or anything else like that, because it sucks. I made the crisps a few different times, using different types of parmesan and had pretty decent results, most of the time. I mean, the shit was good, but they would overcook a little and to be honest, while good, they seemed a bit plain. I adjusted the cooking time downward and got much better results and decided to try adding a few different ingredients.

Don't use this kind of shit.

Flash forward to today and I’m out running some errands for my girlfriend. My first stop was at Trove Cannabis and I have to admit, that particular errand was all about me. I picked up a gram of The Jack, a very potent, 28% THC, Jack Herer pheno reserve strain from Cascadia Gardens that was packed full of tasty terps and with a flavor that was pleasing to the palate.

I also bought a .85 gram, pre-rolled joint of Black Cherry Soda from Leef, so that I’d have some driving around weed. The reason I’d stopped at Trove was because I’d received a text from them letting me know that today was a vendor day and that the folks from Leef would be in and that all Leef products were 20% off. When I got there, all I could see were a few cartridges, some concentrates and two different joints. I asked about some flower and the girl behind the counter told me that they were waiting for the folks from Leef to show up with their delivery. I asked her when they were expected, figuring I’d grab a little something for now and then come back a little later for some more. She told me she’d ask her boss and then she went into the back to find out the answer to my question. When she returned, she told me that Leef had just emailed the store and let them know that they wouldn’t be delivering any flower today, but they would be dropping off some Agent Orange, in a couple of days. Crap. What kind of bullshit was that? You have a vendor day and the vendor isn’t even there and when they do eventually show up, they don’t have jack shit. That’s cannabis capitalism for you, or is it stoner socialism? Whatever. It all tastes like disappointment to me.

Well, there wasn’t much that I could do about any of that, so I grabbed my shit and took off. Places to see and weed to smoke and all that.

I sparked up the joint and smoked half of it

I ran the rest of the errands on my list and finally ended up at Whole Foods. I was so fucking high by the time I walked in there, I was instantly swept away on a sensory tsunami of epicurean delight and I was lost like the SS Minnow on a three-hour tour, stranded in a faux hippy Wal-Mart.

I think I must have groped about half of the items in that place, as I stumbled down the aisles, but I somehow managed to get the few things that I needed, pay and get out, in something like less than two hours and that must be some kind of fucking record for me. Added bonus - I didn't have to smell any Whole Foods Hippies, those dreadlock coiffed empty shells, stuffed overfull with organic patchouli and tie-dyed arrogance. 

Meanwhile, I’d worked up quite a case of the munchies, which makes sense, because I’d smoked an awful lot of pot by this time, so I decided that when I got back to my girlfriend’s house, I was going to chow down on some parmesan crisps.

I smoked the rest of that joint on the way there.

I got back to her place, unpacked the groceries and put them away, while I waited for the oven to heat up. I threw some parchment paper on a baking sheet, spooned out some grated parmesan cheese and threw it all in the oven. I set the timer for seven minutes and smoked a bowl while I was waiting.

That’s when the idea for this story and recipe were born. I even remembered to grab the camera and take a few pictures. I’m quite proud of myself for remembering that, because I always forget to take pics. Hell, I’m lucky if I can remember if I wiped my ass or not, before I pull my pants up.

The timer went off and I pulled the crisps out of the oven. They were slightly overcooked. Fuck. I was cooking with gas and had forgotten to adjust the temperature and time in the oven, because gas ovens cook a little hotter and a little faster than electric ovens do. Well, they say pot makes you forget shit, but I don’t believe that for a second. I smoke a lot of fucking pot and I can still remember all of the shit that I want to forget and none of the shit that I want to remember.

Anyway, I tried one of the parmesan crisps and it was good, but I still felt they were a little plain, so I dusted the crisps with some basil, oregano and kosher salt. They were delicious, so I decided to make another batch. I found another container of shredded parmesan in the fridge. This time, the cheese was the remains of a high-end, aged and shredded batch of cheese. I spooned out the cheese, splashed a little olive oil over the piles of parmesan and then dusted everything with garlic powder, basil, oregano and sea salt, before returning the pan to the oven and setting the timer. I checked on the cheese after five minutes and it was a soggy mess, drowning in the olive oil. Disappointed, I returned the pan to the oven for another two minutes and to my surprise, the crisps had absorbed the excess olive oil and were crisp and perfect. So much so, that I decided to experiment again with a third batch. 

Unfortunately, the only parmesan cheese left in the house by that point was a green bottle of the cheap ass Kroger shit, but it did have the same consistency as the grated parmesan that I had used to make the first batch, so I figured, fuck it, why not?

Grasshopper had much to learn.

I spooned out the third batch, added the olive oil, sea salt and some fresh rosemary. Looking at my handiwork, I decided to add some balsamic vinegar to about half of the third batch, threw the baking sheet in the oven and waited to see what would happen.

I smoked another bowl while I was waiting. Fuck it.

I didn’t have long to wait. The cheap shit had the fastest cooking time and the third batch was finished in about five minutes. The color and the texture of the cheap cheese looked entirely different from the first two batches. I tried one of the crisps and while the herbs and balsamic vinegar imparted a wonderful flavor, that flavor was contrasted rather poorly and very sharply by the appearance and the consistency of the cheap cheese.

In my opinion, the best cheeses to use were the grated parmesan, which we picked up from Trader Joe’s and the aged parmesan that we buy from Costco and then grate it fresh.

All in all, the parmesan crisps were a huge success and will have many uses, including as a substitute for croutons in a salad and I’m thinking of experimenting with some crazy parmesan crisp pizza nacho thingies.

So, I just made you read all of that and dragged your ass all the way here just to show you a recipe.

Sorry.

Anyway, here’s that recipe:

Parmesan Crisps

Fresh grated parmesan cheese

Olive oil

Fresh garlic, minced garlic, or garlic powder

Fresh or dried herbs (basil/oregano, rosemary, whatever – be creative)

Salt & Pepper

Balsamic vinegar (optional)

Any and all of these ingredients are optional, except the parmesan cheese, because you need parmesan cheese if you’re going to make parmesan crisps.

You will also need a cookie sheet, some parchment paper, a tablespoon and a timer.

Preheat the oven to 425.

Size the parchment paper to the cookie sheet.

Spoon the parmesan cheese onto the cookie sheet. Each crisp should be about 1 tablespoon.

Use the bottom of the spoon to flatten the piles of cheese.

Splash the cheese with just a drop or two of olive oil, Dust the piles of cheese with the garlic powder, herbs, salt, pepper; whatever.

Add a few drops of balsamic vinegar (if desired).

Place the cookie sheet on the center rack in the oven and cook for 5 – 7 minutes.

Remove from the oven and let the crisps cool.

Mangia.

Let me know what you think.