Dick Breath

I was out and about today, running a few errands, taking it easy and trying to avoid any general fuckery, when this shit happened.

I had stopped at Target to buy a few things when I felt a sudden urge and took a detour to the men's room to empty my bladder. I walked into the empty lavatory, saw that there were four unoccupied urinals and took the one on the far left, which was also the furthest one from the door. This way, if anyone else should come in, they could use the one to the far right, which is proper urinal etiquette. It's all about positioning, every man knows this, you have to leave at least a one urinal gap between users and if you can't, you need to either use a stall or man up and hold it for a few. Choose wisely. I had just let out a relieved sigh and let the flow go when I heard the door open and another person walked in. No big deal, but then this fucking guy walks up to the urinal right next to mine, which is a major breach of the Bro code, unzips and lets it fly.  I'm totally stunned and like, "Dude, what the fuck?" and he's just totally standing there, blissfully unaware of his breach of urinal etiquette.

What the fucking fuck? Why did he have to pick the one next to mine? There were two other empty spots, why couldn't he have used one of those? It's all about separation. There was no need to invade my personal space. Was dude going to offer to shake it for me too? And fer fuck's sake, no peeking!

It was like peeing with George Michael, or maybe this guy:

But at least I didn't have to deal with this shit:

Feeling slightly violated, I shook it off and went to wash my hands. Freaky stand next to you dude finished up and I thought to myself, "I'll bet dude doesn't wash his hands," when he surprised me by walking up to the sink, turning on the water and getting his hands wet.

Sounds pretty normal, right? What happened next was anything but...

I watched stunned and horrified as, I shit you not, the guy cupped his hands, filled them with water and took a fucking drink. 

And then he washed his hands.

Wait. What? Holy fucking shit. I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. This guy had just peed; held his dick in his hands, for crying out loud and then he just went and casually drank from those same hands. But then, and only then, after his dick had been in his hands and after he drank from those same dick filled hands, that were probably splashed with pee, that's when he decided it would be a good fucking idea to wash his fucking hands? What the fucking fuck?

Dude, you just drank dick! And pee! 

Why even bother washing your hands, at that point? It was like closing the barn door after the fucking horse has escaped. Why? Why would he do that? It was fucking disgusting. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Why not just stick your dick in your mouth? It's the same fucking thing, isn't it? Shit, don’t get me wrong, I’d suck my own dick if I could, but fuck, at least I’d wash it, first. Now this fucking guy is walking around all day long with fucking dick breath. Fuck. So fucking gross. Just picture it. Dude steps up and says, “Hello,” and you’re blasted with a face full of dick breath. Noooooo. It’s just fucking wrong. Dude, go suck on a blue mint or something.

Think about this the next time you go to kiss your mother; her mouth has probably had at least one dick stuffed into it. Just sayin'.

I walked around Target, trying to keep my mind focused on what I needed to buy, but I was still shocked by what I had just seen. I bought the things that I needed and left the store. As I walked outside, there was Dick Breath, locked in a passionate kiss with his girlfriend. I idly wondered if she might recognize the familiar taste in her mouth as I shook my head and walked away.

Hope they bought some fucking mouthwash...

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Get Thee Behind Me, Satan