Chapter One

Here's a sneak peek at chapter one of the book that I've just started writing. I'm hoping to work hard and have it finished by the end of January. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

Not with a bang but a whimper. - T.S. Eliot

When I first moved back to Philadelphia after my divorce, I thought that I was moving back home; a delusional idea, if ever there was one, for the old adage holds true; you can never really go back home. I was looking for something, though I'm not quite sure what it was; perhaps it was safety and security; the remnants of family and old friends; love, comfort and understanding; peace and acceptance; maybe all of the above, maybe none of it. Maybe I just needed to get laid. Who knows? Whatever it was that I was seeking remained elusive. Perhaps it still does.

What I found instead was a city that was distant and cold, populated by people that were self-absorbed and shallow. The sidewalks teemed with people but so many of them seemed soulless and empty, like the shells of the abandoned buildings that they shambled past every day. Existing moment to moment, heads bowed and collars turned to the wind, they ignored the world around them as they lived from one step to the next. I thought about The Hollow Men and I shivered, bowed my head and turned my collar to the wind before shuffling off. There ain't a whole lotta' love in The City of Brotherly Love.

The city had become a stranger; neighborhoods had changed and so much that was familiar was gone. Old friends had moved on, many others were casualties of life; the living, the dead and the living dead. I worked and worked, drifting from day to day, never realizing that I too was a casualty; another member of the living dead. I desperately tried to keep myself occupied; I wrote a lot of stories and I watched way too many movies. I was spending entirely too much time with myself and I was starting to annoy the shit out of me. I began using my time off to explore Philadelphia and the surrounding area. Ten and twenty mile hikes to wherever became a regular thing. With camera in hand, I traveled hither and yon in search of adventure, discovering some incredible places and taking some amazing photographs along the way. I also did some incredibly reckless, dangerous and downright stupid things, but we'll get to that later. I still wasn't meeting new people or making new friends like I wanted to and truth be told, I was starting to feel a bit lonely. I craved human contact, but I was unsure of how to find it. It's not like you can just walk up to a random stranger on the street and say, "Hey, you look like a pretty cool motherfucker. Would you be my friend?" and then they say, "You look like you're a pretty cool motherfucker, too. Let's be besties," and then you just hang out and do cool shit together. Now, as great as that sounds, unfortunately, life doesn't work that way, but it sure would be cool if it did. I think I'd like that, though. Life would certainly be a lot richer.

My options for meeting people were pretty limited though, with churches, bars and the Internet offering the best chances to make new friends. I didn't think that the whole church thing would work out too well, what with me being an atheist and all. Plus, there was no way in fucking hell that I was going to populate a pew in any church, pretending to worship and idolize a deity that I didn't believe in, just so that I could hang out with people who were high on Jesus or maybe I might get to squeeze a pair of tits. Tits are great and all, but I was going to need a much better inducement than that. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot that I'd do to squeeze a righteous pair of tits, but chillin' in church ain't on the fucking list. Pass. That left bars and the Internet. I'm a bit too old for the club scene and I've never been much of a drinker; it's just not my thing. Plus, I can't stand to be around drunk people, they annoy the living shit out of me and I really didn't want a group of friends whose lives were centered around alcohol. So, bars were out too. Another pass. That left the Internet. Oh boy, the fucking Internet, home of freaks and geeks and people like me. I was totally fucking screwed, is what I was if that was my best option. I tried using MeetUp, hoping to find people with interests that were similar to mine, but that was a bust too. Apparently, there aren't quite as many people who are into llamas and dwarves as I would have thought, if I thought about that kind of shit, which I don't. Swear. Alpacas are much softer, anyway. Still not thinking about it... 

Against my better judgment and let's face it, even my best judgment is still a bad decision, I decided to check out the world of online dating. What the hell, it had been sixteen years since I had last waded into the dating pool, so why not dive back in, headfirst, into the shallow end? That way, I might be able to kill two birds with one stone; meeting people and getting laid. I mean, finding my soulmate. It's the same fucking thing though, isn't it? I mean, I'm going to fuck my soulmate, aren't I? I sure would fucking hope I'd rate a little shag time from my one true love. So, I'm just stating the facts, right? Don't shake your head at me. Look, if I went to the animal shelter and I rescued some fucking mutt that shit all over my house, I'd be a motherfucking hero. However, if I went to the women's shelter to find a new girlfriend, you'd freak the fuck out and suddenly, I'd be some kind of fucking monster. Think of it as dating creatively. You're entitled to your own opinion, though. I guess. Besides, with my luck, I'd only end up meeting some nice woman named Lorena, who would then proceed to bone and Bobbitt me. Getting boned? A resounding YES! That's a good thing. Getting deboned? Yeah... not so much and definitely not a good thing. I'm quite attached to my penis and I have a strong preference for keeping it attached to me, thank you very much. Other than my penis though, I really didn't have much to lose and even when considering my penis, I still didn't have all that much to lose, if you know what I mean. I hit the interwebz and I Googled up some free dating websites; free, because I'm way too cheap to spend any money on that shit.

Still not thinking about it...

Out of the multitude of dating websites that turned up during my search, there were two that caught my eye; OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. OkCupid was simple and easy to use, with a great user interface, whereas Plenty of Fish felt clunky and cumbersome, like I was using my left hand; it was just awkward. OkCupid also had a great little app for my phone and PoF didn't have jack shit, which was unfortunate. I used both websites, but OkCupid was definitely my preference. 

Not one to limit my options, I signed myself up and filled out my online profiles. I'm a writer, so that should have been pretty easy, right? Wrong. How the hell are you supposed to sell an old, used piece of shit car that no one wants to drive? You lie your fucking ass off, that's how. Not really. I was very honest and I showed my sensitive side, you know, the soul of a poet. Okay, that's absolute bullshit, because I have no soul and I can't write poetry for shit, but I was myself and I was honest and no one was ever going to be stupid enough to want to fuck me. Hell, I even uploaded  a few decent pics of myself, which is no mean feat, because I'm not the most photogenic person in the world; decent pics are few and far between, but I have one that just drives all of the little babushkas hog wild and yes, I am sporting the sexy lederhosen. When I had finished with my profiles, which I have to admit were works of literary genius, I perused a plethora of pics, liked a few profiles and I even sent off a message or two. Congratulating myself on a job well done, I sat back to await the results of my endeavors, expecting to be squeezing tons of titties soon. Party animal unchained, I promptly fell asleep. Story of my life.

As it turned out however, I didn't have very long to wait.

This is the fourth and probably not the last edit of this chapter, so expect it to change. If you've enjoyed what you've read, please give this story a shot. Thanks!

Get Thee Behind Me, Satan