Dirty Birds

One bird to shit on them all. Fuck your team.

American football, like cheating, is one of the things that makes America great, because 'Murica! Hell, cheating is as American as apple pie and hating the Dallas Cowboys.

It's football season and I fucking love football. What can I say? I like to watch grown men beat the living shit out of each other. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's violent enough and it would be even better if we allowed the use of edged weapons, but that's not what we're here to talk about today. I'm not really into watching other professional sports (except surfing, I could watch that shit all day and sex, because sex is the ultimate sport even if I never get to play), 

Dear Puppet Villian, It's latter, not later, you illiterate motherfucker.

but I do love to watch football and by that I mean that I like to watch the Philadelphia Eagles play. And win. You know, when they can actually manage to do that. Win, I  mean

Now, I know that you're probably telling yourself that the Eagles suck and that's alright, because you're delusional and because fuck you, even if you are mostly right, but they're my hometown team and my favorite, so win or lose, no matter how bad they suck, I'll always be a loyal fan, even if I always bet money against them when it comes to a big game, because you can always count on the Eagles to blow the big game.

I'd briefly like to mention that the Eagles do share the state of Pennsylvania with another team, the Pittsburgh Steelers. They're barely even worth the mention.

As we all know, the NFL has a few teams that are named after birds, but there's only one bird that really matters and that's the Eagles. The Eagles, Iggles, Birds, whatever you want to call them are the kings of the NFL's little bird kingdom.

Let's examine some of these "birds." In no particular order (except alphafuckingbetical, because I have OCD), we'll start with the Arizona Cardinals.

Cardinals? Seriously? Little lame ass red birds that don't even have the fucking sense to fly south in the winter. Fail.

 Your God has abandoned you.

Next up, we have the Atlanta Falcons. I must admit that I do like falcons as a species and I'd love to own a hunting falcon, but anything that comes from Atlanta is absolute shit. Remember, this is the city that gave us Michael Vick (please don't point out any inconvenient facts, they're not a part of the narrative). Nothing good comes from Atlanta and that's why Atlanta was destroyed during the civil war. Because 'Murica, goddammit! 

With all of these facts, theory and history, I feel like a fucking PBS station and yes, you are welcome for the education. I'm just magnanimous like that. Send a donation to my PayPal account. I promise not to waste it on good deeds or any other shit like that. Unlike Congress, I promise to waste your money wisely.

That is such a fucking lame logo.

Let's talk a little more about those Atlanta Falcons...

Last night, I finally had a chance to sit down and watch an entire Eagles game. I was stoked. I sat my ass down. I had my pillow, the softest and most comfortable blanket in the world, and a little something extra to mellow me out. A couple of snorts of some blackberry moonshine and I was nice and relaxed. I turned on the game, put my feet up and was forced to watch the Eagles basically hand the game over to the Falcons during the first half. When halftime was over and the two teams once again took the field, it seemed as if the Falcons had lost all momentum as Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford and running back Demarco Murray dominated the field. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough and their effort fell short, ending with a missed field goal and Bradford's final pass of the game was intercepted. The final score was Atlanta 26, Philadelphia 24. It's only week one, so it desn't mean much, still, fuck the Falcons. 

Seriously? That bird has tits!

And then there's the Baltimore Ravens. Fuck those guys. Is there any player on that team that hasn't been charged with a crime? Listen, can you hear that? That's the sound of the men working on the chain gang,

Ravens are actually pretty cool littl black birds with some giant fucking balls, but Baltimore Ravens aren't really ravens at all, they're Browns that ran out on the city of Cleveland. In their defense, however, I'd run the hell out of Cleveland too.Who wouldn't? It's fucking Cleveland. Fuck that place. As you can see (please follow my twisted logic, I really hate explaining things more than once), because the Baltimore Ravens are really the Cleveland Browns, they're really not ravens at all and since ravens are cool and they're not ravens, they're totally uncool and since they're not ravens, they're not really birds at all, so they don't fucking count, so fuck Baltimore. Fuck Cleveland, too. Can't forget to fuck Cleveland too. 

Cleveland, lol. It's where quarterbacks go to die. Right, Johnny?

Eagles eat Ravens. Nuff said.

There's one bird left in our flock, the Seattle Shit, er, Seahawks. What the fuck is a Seahawk, anyway? Seahawks fans can't tell you because there's no such fucking thing as a Seahawk. It's a fucking Osprey, but I guess Seahawks fans are just too fucking stupid to spell Osprey, so I'm guessing that's why they went with the Seahawks moniker instead.

The other day I told a little girl that she looked as pretty as a princess. She was wearing a Seahawks jersey. I hate lying to kids like that, but if I had told her tthe truth, that she was ugly and looked mildly retarded, her father would have kicked my ass. Sometimes, discretion truly is the better part of valor. Besides, I would never say something like that to a child, even if they are a Cowboys fan. Well, I might not be able to control myself if the kid is a Cowboys fan.

Originally, this story was only goig to include this part, but I started rambling along and heading off on different tangents and it just grew and grew. If I haven't insulted your team in this post, don't worry, because I think they suck too. Only the Eagles can suck and still achieve the status of legend.

A few days ago, I had to pick my friend Luke's (remember Luke? he's my co-star in The Call It Mellow Yellow) kid up from work and give him a ride home. I accidentally took the wrong exit off of the interstate, but there was a McDonald's there, so I covered up my mistake by saying that I wanted a sweet tea and offered to buy the kid a drink. As I pulled up to the drive thru window, the cashier was already leaning out of the window to hand the drinks over. I reached out and to my horror, I saw that the cups were emblazoned with the logo of the much loathed Seattle Seahawks "decorating" the side of the cup. Much too quickly, the first cup made contact with my outstretched hand and while in the grip of paralyzing terror, I "accidentally" dropped the cup and it exploded on the ground below.

"Sorry," I said. 

God, I'm such a dick, sometimes. Okay, most times. Okay, okay, I'm a dick all of the time. Happy now?

I asked the cashier if maybe they had the regular styrofoam cups for the sweet tea, but he told me that no, they didn't carry them because they weren't environmentally friendly (and plastic is?) and that this was the state of Washington where people are dope smoking, tree hugging hippies. Personally, I think that motherfucker was lying to me, but there wasn't much that I could do about it. I think he was on to me. Fucking Seahawks fans.

The cashier grabbed a new cup of tea and handed the cups over to me. I certainly didn't want to touch them and I thought about dropping them again, Reluctantly, I took the cups and handed them over to the kid. I needed to wash my hands; I felt soiled from having had to touch the vile things.

We got back to the house and I made the kid carry the drinks upstairs. There was no way that I was going to touch that damn Shithawk again, no fucking way. When we got inside, I made him pour my tea into a glass for me, refusing to drink out of a Shithawk cup. I guess I'll be making my own fucking sweet tea for the rest of the season. Besides, they can't get it right here; making sweet tea is an art and if you don't use enough sugar, it sucks, just like your football team.

So, not much of a story, maybe more of a rant, but if nothing else, I want you to take away one little thing from our little chat today:

YOUR TEAM SUCKS!

Thanks for stopping by!

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