The Rules

Most parents, I think, want to provide their children to the best of their abilities, giving their progeny all that they can. For one group of parents, this seems to entail the giving of material things; cars, clothes, money, etc. For another group of parents it could be more emotionally, or faith bound; love, wisdom, morality, etc. A third group of parents would be a combination of the first two groups in that they try to teach a balance between the first two approaches. A fourth group are the parents who believe their children should learn and earn their own way, in this world. Finally, there is a fifth group of parents, the neglectful ones, those who are unfit to parent; human refuse, the abusers, addicts and alcoholics. One very popular way of providing a head start for children is a college education savings fund. This is a wonderful idea and a noble concept. My ex-wife and I started something similar, for our children; we just call it something different. This Fund for Understanding, Caring and Kindness, or FUCK, as I like to call it, will provide funding for the years of intensive therapy that our children will need, by the time we are finished with them. It’s a cold, cruel world out there and I want to prepare my children. In one of the most competitive and bleakest job markets in living memory, I want them to have the ability to adapt and overcome any and all obstacles. I’ve come up with a formula to help them gain a competitive edge in the cutthroat corporate world, or perhaps a path of enlightenment towards an outside of the box type of career. Alternative employment, maybe entrepreneurship; sometimes you just have to make your own opportunities.
My children are all very intelligent. I know that every parent says that, but mine truly are and they make me so proud. One of the first sentences that all three of my children learned to say was, “Mommy fell, it was an accident.” And they would say it with such glee! It just warmed my heart, let me tell you. While I thought this was pretty hysterical, my ex-wife failed to see the humor in this. It’s not like I would have actually pushed her down the stairs, but hey, accidents do happen and you should always have your story straight.
It is in this spirit, that my children and I have developed certain rules to live by. Nine little rules to follow. Think of it as a nine step program, a guide, or an outline. It doesn’t just apply to being an assassin, remember, teach your children to think outside of the box; they could use these rules to also become a drug kingpin, serial killer, union/community organizer, lawyer or even a U.S. Congressman. That’s right, the sky’s the limit!

THE RULES

#1 Be prepared. Always dig the hole first. Digging a hole isn’t illegal and it’s usually not that suspicious. However, digging a hole with a body next to you might raise a few eyebrows.

#2 Always have an alibi. Again, be prepared. Work this out in advance. Remember, always keep your story simple and straight.

#3 No witnesses. Ever. Always dig that hole a little deeper. You know, just in case.

#4 If you have someone else do the work for you, you’ll have to get rid of them, too. No loose ends.

#5 If you have a secret and you tell someone, it’s not a secret, anymore. Don’t trust anyone with your secrets. If you spill your guts to someone, you’ll need to get rid of them.

Rule #6 is my favorite. This rule was the brainchild of one of my children. I’m so proud! 

#6 Fire makes DNA go DNAway.

#7 Don’t get caught.

#8 If you do get caught, never admit to anything. Do not answer any questions. No one there is your friend. There is only one person who can help you and it’s not God.

#9 Always ask for an attorney. The attorney is the only one you talk to. If you can, get a good Jewish lawyer. They rock! Come to think of it, Johnny Cochrane really kicked some ass, with the whole OJ thing. “If the glove does not fit…” Indeed. The Chewbacca defense was brilliant, as well. So, black lawyers are cool, too. If I haven’t offended your particular ethnic group and you’d like me to, please explain why someone of your ethnicity would make a great attorney. I breathlessly await your reply.

Demented? Well, maybe a little, but they’re still words to live by. Remember, there is always an alternative approach, so teach your children to think outside of the box; it opens up worlds of opportunities for them. My middle son wants to be a research scientist, in order to invent the zombie virus. He might even do great things for mankind, before he destroys it, perhaps something like Soylent Green. And to think that the zombie apocalypse could happen within my lifetime. How exciting!

Don’t judge me. I’m just fucking with you.